Families!

“Family is supposed to be our safe place. Very often, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.”

Family Feud, perhaps family drama . . . Is found everywhere!

This is not confined to one culture but a norm or visible to any culture, no boundaries. We all know this is not healthy, it breaks up the good relationship, it causes the split and alienates the rest of the family. Can you imagine the stress it causes, an extra and unnecessary baggage you carry. My own observations led me to believe family feud is related to:

Money or differing lifestyles or priorities might be the impetus behind a family feud, at the root of the problem is a failure to communicate. Nonetheless, there is always that someone and most often the oldest one wants to show dominance or control. I am not sure if it’s the upbringing or simply put, generational gap. Could also be sign of insecurities. I almost forgot about jealousy, yes, just too obvious that you will find among your siblings or of you don’t have siblings… always that one person…. who can’t help and fight that feeling, too could be a set of parents of both spouse who live with the married kids who mind the spouse business. Parents should never meddle with the kids personal affairs/business and refrain from advising them unless they’re asked …don’t be opinionated…let alone express any negative advice if they’re feuding.

Unfortunately the human mind harbors grudges, and people indulge in unsavory practices like gossip, exclusion and other hurtful behaviors. These acts cause others to become defensive and the rest is history. Whether it lasts a week or a lifetime, these people have unwittingly engaged in the components that lead to an ongoing family feud.

I can’t resist the urge to research how to end a family dispute.

Make the decision

Healing a family fight requires a commitment from you. This is especially true if you haven’t changed your position regarding issue, which caused the argument to start with, but simply want your family back. The other parties may also not have changed their position, and when first approached, they may give the impression that they are quite comfortable with the lack of communication, thank you very much.! You will therefore have to resist the urge to turn tail and run when faced with initial rejection.

See the other’s point of view

For as long as you believe that you are absolutely right and the other party is totally wrong, there is no possibility that the family fight can be resolved. It’s very important that you listen to the other party properly, and that you try to see the others’ point of view. It may be a viewpoint you don’t agree with, but people are entitled to their views and we should learn to respect that.

Force a connection

Family fights thrive from lack of communication. For as long as both parties nurse their grievances, and do not communicate (arguments are not communication), the situation will remain as is. In order to force communication with the person you are fighting with ( not speaking to)

a) Write them letters

Write letters to the person you’re fighting with on a regular basis. Let them know that are well, and update them on current events in your life. Share your good news with them. Send them pictures of new family members (if you’ve just had a baby) or photographs cataloguing your children’s development. Don’t mention anything regarding the issue, which started the fight.

b) Keep contact with family members the other party is close to: you should maintain contact with the rest of your family members. This will provide a roundabout way for you to keep abreast of how the other party is doing. You should, however, refrain from soliciting other people’s support to your cause. Don’t place them in a position where they have to take sides. If the fight is mentioned, make it clear that it is between the two of you, and you would like to effect reconciliation.

The biggest hurdle is the other end for whatever reasons cannot cave in to what is rational and reasonable. Only then that you can turn to your christian upbringing – forgive and forget, pray and don’t give up.

“A heart filled with anger has no room for peace.”

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”